How NOT to Deal With Positive Feedback

I'm having trouble getting used to the idea of "putting myself out there" as a musician and creative person. Art always been something I've kept to myself. My music has been such a personal thing for so long, that sharing it with other people and receiving their reactions is not an easy thing on multiple levels, even when those reactions are positive ones.

When I was small, and I'd present my parents with things of my own creation--dolls, drawings, little songs--they would, of course, immediately begin heaping on the praise. "Oh, Maggie, it's wonderful! I love it! It's beautiful! Oh, you've done such a good job!" ...and similar adulation. This invariably made me uncomfortable and cross; there was something about this seemingly overblown applause that just annoyed me. It wasn't that I felt I didn't deserve it, I just didn't like that it was all directed at me.

So when I wanted to share with my parents something I'd made or written, I started prefacing it with something along the lines of, "Okay, I'm going to show you this, but don't get all praisey-praise about it." No praisey-praise! So then Mom and Dad would take on mock-stoicism, and with great solemnity say things like, "Oh yes, this is very nice. It's good. Good job." And this, naturally, would annoy me even more. "Not like that! Just be normal!"

Praise and accolades still make me uncomfortable. This morning, when I was starting to compose this blog entry in my head (some twelve hours before I was actually able to sit down and write it) I tried to pinpoint just what it is that makes me squirm and wince when people tell me, "Your songs are amazing! You're such a good singer! This is beautiful!" I think the fear of this kind of reaction is one of the things that has kept me from widely sharing my music for so long, which is kind of funny, considering that most people probably fear the opposite reaction.

I don't really know what it is. Probably on some level, I feel like I don't deserve it. Oh come on, I'm not that good, you hear way better than me on Pandora; I'm really not that great a guitar player. Please, stop.

So I guess I need to get over that. Sincere, positive reactions are a good thing, because it lets me know I'm doing something right. A certain someone, who is apparently industriously promoting his blog to his friends, said to me yesterday, simply, "People like your music." Considering that this blog currently features all of two songs, I'm going to take this as a good sign.

The other thing that occurred to me this morning, while sorting out my thoughts, is that NOT "going all praisey-praise" is really fucking hard when faced with something beautiful that you love. The first time I heard Bruce Springsteen's Live in New York City album, I flailed all over my dad's couch in paroxysms of joy. The final song on Bon Iver's new album regularly sends tears streaming down my cheeks, and maybe that's just been PMS, actually, but I also take every opportunity to gush at people about how I'm physically incapable of stopping listening to the album.

So it's okay for me to get all praisey-praise about other artists, but my friends and family aren't allowed to get all praisey-praise at me? Younger Me should have cut my parents some more slack.

I think my point in this is that this journey is hard for me in ways aside from merely the job of churning out a song every week. (Ohohoh, wait until tomorrow, there will be whining and self-deprecation!) But every difficulty presents an opportunity for growth, and maybe by the end of all this I'll find it easier to accept the concept that people actually like the things I create.

This would be a great spot for a picture of four-year-old me playing the ukulele my grandmother gave me for Christmas one year, but I don't have any of those on my computer so we'll just have to settle for this picture from last spring.